A Poem to Abby on My 30th Birthday

If you were not here
today would be a Party Day.
I would
sleep in late
take a long hot shower
put on something sparkly and sexy
and not worry that it might get
peed and pooped and spit up on,
because you would not be here.

I would have a Big Birthday Blowout,
at a restaurant
or club,
where I would
dance
do some karaoke
eat and drink
and not worry that what I eat and drink
might upset your little tummy,
because you would not be here.

But,
you are here.
So I
get up at seven
squeeze a shower in while you nap
put on sweats like I have almost every day
for the last month.
I will not
go out with my friends
eat and drink to my heart's content
dance and sing and stay out till all hours
without worry about someone else.
Instead, I will
sit with you on the couch
like I do every day
and watch reruns of
Cosby
Gilmore Girls
What Not to Wear.
I will
try to remember to eat something
and drink my water
and change your diaper almost every half hour.
I will
let you curl up on my chest
sing you songs you can't yet understand
melt when you stare at me with those big blue eyes
and give me a smile.
And I will cry,
not because of what I'm not doing today
or because of the things I'm missing out on
but because that Party Day would be so empty
that life would be so empty--
because
you
would not be here.