One week down, a lifetime to go

Penny-J had her one week doctor visit yesterday. She's up to 8 pounds and 9 ounces--not bad for a kid with a lousy nursing latch who's supposedly eating in the most inefficient way possible. I've given up trying to fix it, though--the pain's not that bad anymore, and she's obviously not suffering. I have enough in my life to stress over; why add to it?

The best part, though, I gotta say, is that the child sleeps. She nursed at 11 last night and then not again until 3:30, and after that it was 7 a.m.! Unbelievable! After Abby's nighttime nursing marathons, this is a very welcome change. I actually prayed while I was pregnant that this baby would be a good sleeper--God is good! She doesn't "shut down" at night until 11ish, though--or at least that's been the pattern until tongith; right now, though, she's pretty out. Good thing, too, because I'm half asleep and desperate for bed.

Homebirth Reflections

Abby is zoned in front of an episode of Max and Ruby and Penny-J is asleep on my chest, so since they're both occupied I thought this might be a good time to post some of my thoughts about the homebirth.

Like every new experience, I went in with a lot of expectations. Most of them went out the window (bake a cake?! during labor?! what the heck was I thinking?!), mostly because of the speed of labor, but despite my laundry list of unfulfilled hopes and desires for the event, I can't imagine having done it any other way. A lot of people have asked if I'd do it this way again. Honestly, in the first few hours after the birth, I would have said there won't be a next time, but of course the intensity of things has faded over the last week and I think I can say I'm open to there being another time, and yes, I will most definitely doing it at home!

I was thinking about how different it would have been had we planned on a hospital birth. I would have gotten an epidural, no doubt. Even if I'd woken Dan half an hour earlier (and I can't imagine I would have done it any sooner than that), by the time we actually got to the hospital and I got checked into a room, I would have been at the point in my contractions when they got totally intense. Would I have started my hypnobabies scripts in time? Possibly, perhaps in the car on the way there, but given how strong they were I think the car ride would have been incredibly uncomfortable--I don't know if I would have kept my focus enough to stay in hypnosis when things got crazy.

And how would I have labored? I was on my hands and knees hugging the birth ball for the majority of the time--would I have done that in the hospital? Would I have felt secure enough to let myself go "primal"--moaning, rocking, swaying--when the staff would have been checking vitals and monitoring me? Would my OB have let me deliver on my hands and knees? I'd like to think she would--though if I'd ended up with the epidural I most likely would have been on my back.

I would have had to be vigilant about my birth plan, especially in regards to the treatment of the baby after birth--wanting her right away to nurse, keeping her with me to bond for at least an hour before being weighed and measured, not wanting her to have the eye stuff (can't remember what it's called) or Hep-B vax or a pacifier. Whereas all those things were sorted out at the home visit and there was no need to remind anyone because they all knew and respected our wishes.

The food was a lot better at home, too. :)

Not that the homebirth experience was all sunshine and roses. I had a rather romantic idea of what homebirth would be like, and the reality was anything but.My hallway carpet has bloodstains, and every time I see them it's a weird, uncomfortable reminder that I was naked in front of three people I didn't know all that well, and with my husband there, which is just strange. These people also saw me raving like a woman possessed, and while it's their job and they've seen it a million times, I have never been out of control that way before, and it's weird to think I have that primitive, animal side to me. And while the image of a woman on her back on a bed giving birth is very accepted in our society, the image of a woman on all fours is not, and the memory of it feels very...base. It's a bit embarrassing to think my husband saw me that way. It is not a sexy image. Nor is the image of my water breaking on his office floor (thankfully covered in chux pads). After the birth, my bed (also thankfully covered in chux pads) looked like the scene of a brutal murder. And it's not like I didn't think there'd be blood, it's just that I hadn't given a lot of thought to the fact that it would be right there and not on an easy-to-clean linoleum floor like in the hospital.

And in a funky way, it felt like less of a special event because there wasn't the big "Time to go to the hospital!" moment, or all the accompanying medical buzz and procedure that goes with a hospital birth. I had a baby, took a shower, got some stitches, and then everyone left and I was in bed holding a baby. 'Course the fact that it only took five hours contributes to that as well, especially when you're expecting at least half a day to be taken up. It was, in all honesty, a bit of a let-down. On one hand, that's the beauty of it--something totally natural was treated as such and not treated like a life-or-death medical event. But on the other hand, when society has taught you that it is a life-or-death medical event, the natural way seems kind of simple and plain--not nearly enough fanfare for the emerging of a new soul into the world. There should have been trumpets and a chorus of angels--which there may well have been in heaven, but we didn't get the benefit of it. Maybe midwives ought to offer a fanfare package--marching band and fireworks, or at least a CD of the Hallelujah Chorus or something.

Anyway...that's what's been on my mind. And like I said, regardless of what expectations were or were not met, I'll do it this way again, if there is an again. I hope this doesn't turn anyone off from homebirthing, though I guess if it does then you weren't meant to do it in the first place. It's definitely a commitment and requires taking a lot of responsibility for your own care--not that midwives don't take care of you, but there's an expectation on their part, and rightly so I believe, that you are an integral part of the success of your homebirth and thus need to be more involved in your own care beyond just taking your prenatals and showing up for your appointments. A lot of women sign over their pregnancy and birth experience to their doctor, and if that's your cup of tea then so be it, but I think that's the reason why we've seen such an awful increase in cesarean rates in this country. I think it's high time women started trusting their bodies more and listening to (or, more accurately, rediscovering) their instincts when it comes to birth. Hopefully my experience will encourage someone to take that leap.

Sleep, glorious sleep...

So the first two nights Penny slept pretty well. I had high hopes. And then Saturday I was minutes away from slamming my head against the wall because she wanted to nurse nonstop--at nearly midnight I'd been in bed for over two hours and still hadn't slept. As soon as I got her back in the cosleeper and got myself settled, she'd be crying to eat again. (If she'd eat for more than ten minutes at a time, this wouldn't be such a problem.) Dan came in just before I broke into a thousand mental pieces and took her to see if being in the swing would distract her from eating--and it did! I got three hours of rest before they came back in, and life was good again. She only nursed one more time that night, and we got to sleep until quarter to eight.

Then last night she made up for it by only nursing twice and letting me sleep until 7:45, and Abby even contributed by sleeping an hour later than that! Granted, I didn't go to bed until 11 because I could tell Penny was just going to keep nursing, so I guess, now that I think about it, it wasn't much different from Saturday night, except that I didn't spent two fruitless hours trying to sleep. I really hope she picks up the nursing pace so she isn't up so late eating--these little five and ten minute mini-feeds scattered throughout the day are going to get old real quick.

Greena and Par (Dan's parents) came down Saturday to spend the day with us. More pics on the other blog--they helped Abby color eggs!--but I thought this was so cute: Abby nursing the doll they brought for her:



Nancy (a.k.a. "Greena") crocheted this blanket for PJ before she was born--she was pretty confident we were having a girl:



So Eastery! Speaking of which, hope your holiday was filled with awe for the sacrifice that was made for us, for God so loved the world...

Top Ten Things I'd Forgotten About Having a Newborn

10. How hard it is to dress and diaper them when they insist on keeping their arms and legs in the "frog" position.

9. How breastmilk poop doesn't smell that bad.

8. How your heart stops every time they choke while nursing.

7. How often they choke while nursing.

6. How they're swimming even in newborn outfits.

5. How a mother's ear can hear the faintest glug and gurgle, even in the middle of the deepest sleep.

4. How long it takes for it to sink in that this little person is real.

3. How nice it is to know you can put them down and step away for a minute and they'll still be in the same spot when you come back.

2. How hard it is to put them down.

1. How quickly the pain of the birth fades once you have them in your arms.

More pictures!

SHE'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

There aren't enough exclamation marks in the world to convey my utter shock and elation at a) having another daughter (especially when we were SO sure it was going to be a boy) and b) getting my VBAC at home with no complications whatsoever. It still hasn't sunk in. Maybe writing everything out here will hammer it home.

I woke up a little after 3 this morning with a contraction. I didn't think much of it because that's been happening a lot lately. But then another one came 13 minutes later, and the next one 5 minutes later. "Oh, that's gotta be a fluke," I thought. But the next one was also 5 minutes later, and they were all pretty strong, so I decided to get up and see what might happen.

They were consistently 5 minutes apart for about an hour, and getting quite intense. Suddenly I had two right on top of each other that really bowled me over, and I realized I needed to get Dan up, have him call my mom, and call Sheridan, my doula. I called the doula first so she could start heading over--and she had just gotten home an hour before from another birth! She asked if I would be alright with her catching a quick nap and coming over in a couple hours, and I said sure, figuring we still had quite a bit of time ahead of us for this birth. But then I had two contractions just going from Dan's office to the bedroom to wake him up, and I knew that things were starting to pick up speed. We called the midwife, and then a contraction hit that made me want to push, and I just about panicked thinking the baby was going to be born right then! Then Sheridan called and said "You know what, I feel like I need to come over," and I was like, "Yeah you do!" When she got there I was still feeling pushy with my contractions, and I yelled to Dan to get some of the chux pads from the birth kit and lay them on the floor because I honestly thought I was going to have the baby in the next 5 minutes. Instead (and thankfully!) it was just my water breaking.

I labored on the floor in Dan's office for quite a while, because I just couldn't bear the thought of moving all the way down the hall to the bedroom; it just seemed too monumental a task. (It also took a while to get the bed prepped; we needed to wait for my mom to come, and then we moved Abby downstairs to the sofa bed and Dan got the birthing sheets and plastic mattress protector all set up.) I'll have to find out the exact time of this, but at one point I felt like I was totally done, mentally and physically. Because everything had hit so fast, I'd never had time to get going with my hypnobabies stuff, and I felt EVERYTHING! So I asked Michelle to check me to see how far I was. She put me off for a while because my water had broken, and the risk of infection goes up once that happens, but then a little while later I absolutely HAD to know. I had 8 cm in my head as a benchmark; I felt like, if I was at least that far, I could handle it, but if I was any less, I was seriously going to ask for a hospital transfer and get an epidural. It was THAT intense. (Though how I thought I'd be able to get downstairs and endure a ride to the hospital when I couldn't bear the thought of moving 12 feet down the hall, I don't know!) So then she checked me and, lo and behold, I was indeed an 8! She said if I wanted to push a little to go ahead and do it, it might get me the rest of the way to 10. It was SUCH a relief to have a physical outlet (besides the roaring and growling I'd been doing) when the contractions hit!

Eventually I knew I wanted to get into the bedroom, but I was so tired and weak it took two people supporting me to even get me moving. (My last meal had been at 5 the night before, and I'd had nothing besides sips of Recharge during contractions since Michelle had gotten there, around 5:30.) Finally they got me up and into the bathroom for a pit stop, and then into the bedroom on the birthing stool. I kept yelling at the baby, "Come on, crown! Get moving!" I kept asking if they could see anything, and Michelle would just say she could feel the head but not see it, and that it might still be awhile. I remember thinking, "I don't think I have 'awhile' left in me! It better be faster than that!"

Then something shifted in me and I wanted to get up on the bed. They helped me crawl up there, and I was on all fours, hugging the birthing ball (which is how I'd labored most of the time in Dan's office) and holding Dan's hand in an "arm wrestling" grip to use as a brace. I'm not sure how long I was up there, but then with one of the contractions I could feel that she was just right there, and I thought, "If I don't push that head out right now, I'm never going to make it." I didn't think I had the energy to do it, but I did, and everyone cheered and I just kept saying, "I'm doing it! I'm doing it!" The next contraction felt too weak to get the rest of her out, but I couldn't bear to do it any longer, so I gave it everything I had left in me and out she came!

She squeaked out a tiny cry, and they put her on my back while I caught my breath. It took Dan a few seconds to get a good look at the sex, and when he said it was a girl I about fell off the bed! EVERYONE thought it would be a boy! They helped me maneuver onto my back to lie down, and the placenta came out pretty quickly, probably less than 10 minutes after PJ.

I'm kinda fuzzy on things after that. I was shaking uncontrollably, apparently a common post-birth experience, and I was just SO incredibly weak and tired. After a little while they made me get up to go to the bathroom, and then I took a shower to get cleaned up but nearly fainted when I was done. I ended up kneeling on the floor of the tub and calling for someone to come help me; they brought Recharge and toast and made me eat, which made me feel a tiny bit better. Mom had made sandwiches and scrambled eggs for everyone, so when I got back into the bed (with my hair still uncombed from the shower!) I had a little more to eat and it totally helped. PJ was cleaned and dressed and all her measurements taken while I was in the shower; they brought her over to nurse and she latched almost right away and ate for probably 5 or 6 minutes. Oh, and somewhere in there--after the shower, I think, but before Mom brought up the food--they spent 45 minutes stitching me up because I tore in all sorts of lovely places. PJ came out with her hand next to her face, and given how hard and fast I pushed out her 14 and 1/8 inches-sized head (plus hand), there was no time for anything to stretch. So that sucks. But oh well.

So five hours of labor almost to the minute, with 44 minutes of pushing. Not bad for a first timer!

And I think she's going to look like me! She definitely has my coloring, whereas Abby has Dan's olive tone. And mom kept saying yesterday, "That's what you looked like when you were born, I swear." 'Course they all said that about Abby, too, the first couple days--and then suddenly she turned into mini-Dan. So we'll see.

Our first night went surprisingly well. Abby didn't go to sleep until almost 10:30, but she slept through the entire night until after 8. Penny-J slept all night, too, except for an hour long nursing session from about 12:30-1:30--her first meal since the one after she was born! And when she woke up this morning she ate a little and was quite alert--she even sat on Abby's lap for the first time. Very cute--tried to get a picture but the bedroom was too dark. Oh well--plenty of opportunities for that will come.

I'm sure I'll remember more as the days go on, so I'll post more details as they surface. Until then, keep us in your prayers as we adjust to being a family of four!

40 weeks!

Well, here we are, the infamous Due Date has arrived. I had my 40 week appointment with Michelle today--she gave me hugs and was very sympathetic. Have I mentioned lately how much I love her? Anyway, I'm happy to say I only gained one pound this week, which is stunning given all the utter CRAP I've been shoveling into my pie-hole--can you say "emotional eater?"

I ushered in the big day with two baby dreams. I haven't remembered my dreams lately, which is weird; usually they're so vivid that I can recount them detail for detail. I haven't had many baby dreams this pregnancy, either, so it was weird to have two in a row. In the first dream, we had twins, a boy and a girl. We were surprised, but not as surprised as one would expect a couple to be when they've had as many ultrasounds as we have.

The second dream was a lot longer and way more stressful. Abby wasn't around; it was as if this was our first baby--a girl, by the way. But the them of the whole dream was that I kept forgetting her! I'd put her down somewhere and then get distracted and it would be hours before I'd remember to go get her. I even woke up (in the dream, not in real life) and thought, "Where's the baby?" Turns out I'd left her in the car! Overnight! I'd be completely panicked every time it happened, totally freaked out and upset and shaking, and I kept thinking, "I can't let anyone know I keep doing this! They'll take her away from me!" But it wasn't like I was doing it on purpose, it just kept happening--in the crib, in a shopping cart, at the park--like pregnancy brain multiplied a thousand times. It didn't matter how badly I wanted to remember her, I couldn't. Isn't that terrible?! What on earth is wrong with my subconscious?! No wonder the poor thing is stalling on being born; it's probably afraid of me.

Tomorrow is Dan's class final. I'm going all out after that--well, in terms of natural labor starters, anyway. Michelle offered to strip my membranes for me, and if it had been Thursday and Dan's final was already done I may have taken her up on it, but the timing was all wrong today. And truly, I'm more patient than I make myself out to be. I'm really okay with the baby coming whenever the baby is ready to come. It's more about my painful, miserable nights than anything else at this point. I want those to end more than I do the pregnancy. I like being pregnant; I'm going to miss feeling him/her moving around in there.

Nope

See post title.

Still no baby.

Title sez it all. But a Palm Sunday baby would be sweet, dont'cha think? Take it up with The Big Guy on my behalf and we'll see what He says.

No baby yet.

Just updating. No consistent contractions today, though I did take Abby for a walk this morning for half an hour and had lots while we were out. I'm encouraged by the fact that I had so many for so long yesterday, though; that didn't happen with Abby. And I got a decent night's sleep last night, which was a wonderful change, though Abby was up a lot and seems to have developed a cold and possibly an earache. Bah! Oh well. I'm feeling a little renewed and less depressed today, which is nice. :) I know the end is in sight, and even if it takes another week, that's alright. (Although I *really* hope s/he is here by Easter since I've already washed the "Baby's First Easter" outfit I got at Target a couple weeks ago!)

CONTRACTIONS!

Well finally. I started having contractions around 4:10 this afternoon. When I'm sitting around doing nothing they come 3-4 an hour, but as soon as I stand and start walking they come every 3-5 minutes but don't last as long. Not sure what that means, other than this obviously isn't "active" labor, but it's definitely headed in the right direction.

Cross your fingers!

Think Friday thoughts!

No baby yet. More contractions today, which is good, but not that many and never close together. So I'm asking y'all to think Friday thoughts for me. Pray Friday prayers, send Friday vibes, whatever. I want to be done, and I want to be done NOW.

Ugh.

It's really hard to time contractions when you have a toddler to take care of. Tried using an online contraction calculator and I'm not near the computer half the time that I need to be. Tried to write on paper but I swear every clock in this house tells a different time, and I keep leaving the pen and notebook in whatever room I was in last. And what really sucks is that I'm not even sure these are contractions! I can't tell when they end. My belly feels firm all the time this morning. I'll get the pressure-y twinges that tell me one is starting (I think) but then I keep waiting for my stomach to loosen again and it doesn't. What the heck??

Not a good night last night. Kept waking up. Abby kept crying in her sleep. And then she was up this morning at 6:15. I was already awake, but desperately trying to get back to sleep. I managed to get her to lie back down (which actually means lying down for a couple minutes, then sitting up and using my chest as a pillow, then lying back down and putting her feet in the air, then sitting back up and saying, "Mama, wake up!") for about half an hour before she refused to be quiet any longer. My leg is really acting up this morning, and my back keeps twinging, too--a good sign, supposedly--so I'm just not in a good frame of mind. I feel bad because that means Abby doesn't have a particularly pleasant or patient mommy today, and heaven knows toddlers need patient mommies. *sigh*

All systems go!

No, I'm not in labor. But I went to the midwife today and her general opinion is that I won't last another week, and that labor is probably right around the corner. The baby is in the optimal birthing position, which is a HUGE relief and weight off my shoulders, and now I feel okay about doing some serious walking and skip-stair climbing and all those other kinds of things one can try to get labor going.

The last 36 hours I've pretty much felt like crap. I've had a headache on and off for the last 4 days, and then my stomach started giving me issues, my back has been intermittently aching, I've been hungry but have had absolutely NO appetite, and my legs have started swelling. On top of that, I just feel done. Emotionally, physically, mentally--just done. I want to crawl into bed with a book and make everyone leave me alone.

All these are apparently very good signs. One of the only times in life when feeling terrible is a good thing. Stay tuned!

All you really need...

We set up our birth supplies upstairs last night. It's funny how little you really need. And frankly, you don't even *need* all this--ask any woman who's delivered in the car on the way to the hospital!



Here we have the "big stuff"--most of the medical stuff is in that bowl, and in the container on the right there are blood test supplies. We're not going all the newborn testing, but we are doing some of it, as well as getting the baby's blood typed. Yes, that is a crock pot in the other corner--I think they keep wet washcloths hot in there as perineum compresses for the pushing stage.



This is the rest of it. Two sets of sheets--one set for during the birth, another for after--lots of old towels, and three bags labeled Mom, Baby, and Warm. The Mom bag has clothes for after the birth. The Baby bag has clothes, sock, and extra hats. (I didn't have to have that many hats, but we had a ton from when Abby was born and there were quite a few different sizes; figured I might as well put them all in so we'd have options. The one hat we had at the hospital for Abby was way too big!) The Warm bag has a hat and lots of receiving blankets; they put all that in the oven (!) to, well, get warm right before the baby comes.

Not pictured is the snack table. That's downstairs in the dining room. We've got chips and salsa, mixed nuts, pretzels, and when Mom comes over to pick up Abby she'll stop and pick up a veggie tray, a fruit tray, cold cuts and rolls, and cheese to put on crackers. Yum! Not that I'll probably be having any of it. *sigh* For myself there's fixin's for fruit smoothies, and lots of orange flavored Recharge (a more healthy version of Gatorade). I still have to make ice chips and Recharge chips, but I plan on starting that today.

So there we go! All set up! Okay baby, any time after today (since midwife and doula are both at a conference until tonight) you're good to go!

Oh yeah, *now* I remember

I've been really active this pregnancy on the BabyCenter.com March 2008 birth board. Back in December "our" first baby was born, and now every time I refresh the page there's a new birth announcement (or two, or five) waiting to be read. Because I'm a sucker for a baby story, I read them all, and I've been stunned at how many women had no idea they were in labor:

"I went in for my prenatal appointment and the doctor said, 'What are you doing here? Go to the hospital, you're at 5cm already and your contractions are 3 minutes apart!' I didn't even realize I was having contractions!"

"I thought they were just more Braxton Hicks, but when I went in for my non-stress test they said I was already at a 6. I couldn't believe it."

It's had me thinking a lot lately, because I don't remember at all what contractions feel like. With Abby, I was doing my hypnobirthing stuff and very comfortable--it's not like I didn't feel them, I felt a LOT, but it wasn't pain, just pressure. But even the memory of what that pressure is like has been completely missing.

Until last night!

4:21 AM. Lying there, wide awake as usual, because 4 AM seems to be my body's get-up-and-party time. I started to feel my belly tighten and thought nothing of it, since I've been having weak contractions on and off since the weekend--until the sensation got stronger and stronger and I realized, "Oh my gosh, an honest-to-goodness makes-you-dilate kind of contraction!" It completely took me back to those seemingly endless last couple weeks of Abby's pregnancy, to sitting in the theater watching Chronicles of Narnia, to the nights I spent sleeping in the recliner because it was the only place I was comfortable, to The Big Night, December 27, when they finally settled into a pattern and we realized at 10PM that this was really It.

Last night I probably had 4 or 5 of these real-thing contractions between 4:21 and 6:30. At my appointment on Tuesday Michelle said the baby was oblique, with its head off to the left of my cervix, and during the contractions the sensation is MUCH more powerful in that area--not sure if it's because the baby's head shouldn't be there, or what. I'm doing everything I can to encourage him/her to shift over a bit, but so far no dice, at least I don't think so. Pray s/he moves soon!

Yum!

(Fair warning: this post may contain what is considered "too much information" by those of you not that interested in reading about the more intimate details of birth. Read at your own risk.)

So my kitchen smells like Thanksgiving right now. It NEVER smells this good because I don't cook--at least, I don't cook anything that requires me to add seasoning that doesn't come prepackaged. The reason for the delicious smell that is making me more and more hungry with every passing minute is that I am making...here comes the too much information part...crotchcicles! Otherwise knows as sitzbath peri pads to use after the birth. To make them, you steep a handful of uva ursi leaves, yarrow flowers, sage leaf, comfrey leaf and root, garlic, witch hazel leaves, and sea salt (all those leaves and roots and flowers are dried, by the way) in 1.5 quarts of boiled water overnight, then soak heavy duty sanitary pads in them, wrap them in plastic wrap, and freeze them in a bowl (to make them curved). Super soothing to the girly parts after the trauma of birth! I remember reading on one of my parenting forums that a mom there used to bring her newborn into the bath with her, which she doused with this same kind of herbal concoction, and that he spent his first few weeks smelling more like dinner than baby. Now I know why. Not a bad way to smell, lemme tell ya. Though I'm sure I'd end up eating all day long because of it.

So I've been having contractions, both Braxton-Hicks and the real thing (though weak), on and off like crazy all weekend. While we were in Ventura I did a lot more walking than usual--we brought Abby's new trike and pushed her around the neighborhood, which is much easier to do there because Dan's parents don't live on a hill like we do. I think all that walking is what did it. And today I was SO TIRED. I slept with Abby while she took her nap, and she's the one that woke me up after an hour and a half--I could have kept going for who knows how long. I'll have to go back into the archives of this blog to see when I first started feeling real contractions that were worth timing back when I was preggo with Abby. I remember timing them through "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe" when Dan and I went to see it in the theater. Tough to do in the dark; I was trying to remember the times in my head because I couldn't see to write them down.

Baby's still bopping around in there. It feels like s/he's pushing on my pubic bone. It actually feels kinda good, I don't know why. We're still stumped for a boy's name. Suggestions?