Homebirth Reflections

Abby is zoned in front of an episode of Max and Ruby and Penny-J is asleep on my chest, so since they're both occupied I thought this might be a good time to post some of my thoughts about the homebirth.

Like every new experience, I went in with a lot of expectations. Most of them went out the window (bake a cake?! during labor?! what the heck was I thinking?!), mostly because of the speed of labor, but despite my laundry list of unfulfilled hopes and desires for the event, I can't imagine having done it any other way. A lot of people have asked if I'd do it this way again. Honestly, in the first few hours after the birth, I would have said there won't be a next time, but of course the intensity of things has faded over the last week and I think I can say I'm open to there being another time, and yes, I will most definitely doing it at home!

I was thinking about how different it would have been had we planned on a hospital birth. I would have gotten an epidural, no doubt. Even if I'd woken Dan half an hour earlier (and I can't imagine I would have done it any sooner than that), by the time we actually got to the hospital and I got checked into a room, I would have been at the point in my contractions when they got totally intense. Would I have started my hypnobabies scripts in time? Possibly, perhaps in the car on the way there, but given how strong they were I think the car ride would have been incredibly uncomfortable--I don't know if I would have kept my focus enough to stay in hypnosis when things got crazy.

And how would I have labored? I was on my hands and knees hugging the birth ball for the majority of the time--would I have done that in the hospital? Would I have felt secure enough to let myself go "primal"--moaning, rocking, swaying--when the staff would have been checking vitals and monitoring me? Would my OB have let me deliver on my hands and knees? I'd like to think she would--though if I'd ended up with the epidural I most likely would have been on my back.

I would have had to be vigilant about my birth plan, especially in regards to the treatment of the baby after birth--wanting her right away to nurse, keeping her with me to bond for at least an hour before being weighed and measured, not wanting her to have the eye stuff (can't remember what it's called) or Hep-B vax or a pacifier. Whereas all those things were sorted out at the home visit and there was no need to remind anyone because they all knew and respected our wishes.

The food was a lot better at home, too. :)

Not that the homebirth experience was all sunshine and roses. I had a rather romantic idea of what homebirth would be like, and the reality was anything but.My hallway carpet has bloodstains, and every time I see them it's a weird, uncomfortable reminder that I was naked in front of three people I didn't know all that well, and with my husband there, which is just strange. These people also saw me raving like a woman possessed, and while it's their job and they've seen it a million times, I have never been out of control that way before, and it's weird to think I have that primitive, animal side to me. And while the image of a woman on her back on a bed giving birth is very accepted in our society, the image of a woman on all fours is not, and the memory of it feels very...base. It's a bit embarrassing to think my husband saw me that way. It is not a sexy image. Nor is the image of my water breaking on his office floor (thankfully covered in chux pads). After the birth, my bed (also thankfully covered in chux pads) looked like the scene of a brutal murder. And it's not like I didn't think there'd be blood, it's just that I hadn't given a lot of thought to the fact that it would be right there and not on an easy-to-clean linoleum floor like in the hospital.

And in a funky way, it felt like less of a special event because there wasn't the big "Time to go to the hospital!" moment, or all the accompanying medical buzz and procedure that goes with a hospital birth. I had a baby, took a shower, got some stitches, and then everyone left and I was in bed holding a baby. 'Course the fact that it only took five hours contributes to that as well, especially when you're expecting at least half a day to be taken up. It was, in all honesty, a bit of a let-down. On one hand, that's the beauty of it--something totally natural was treated as such and not treated like a life-or-death medical event. But on the other hand, when society has taught you that it is a life-or-death medical event, the natural way seems kind of simple and plain--not nearly enough fanfare for the emerging of a new soul into the world. There should have been trumpets and a chorus of angels--which there may well have been in heaven, but we didn't get the benefit of it. Maybe midwives ought to offer a fanfare package--marching band and fireworks, or at least a CD of the Hallelujah Chorus or something.

Anyway...that's what's been on my mind. And like I said, regardless of what expectations were or were not met, I'll do it this way again, if there is an again. I hope this doesn't turn anyone off from homebirthing, though I guess if it does then you weren't meant to do it in the first place. It's definitely a commitment and requires taking a lot of responsibility for your own care--not that midwives don't take care of you, but there's an expectation on their part, and rightly so I believe, that you are an integral part of the success of your homebirth and thus need to be more involved in your own care beyond just taking your prenatals and showing up for your appointments. A lot of women sign over their pregnancy and birth experience to their doctor, and if that's your cup of tea then so be it, but I think that's the reason why we've seen such an awful increase in cesarean rates in this country. I think it's high time women started trusting their bodies more and listening to (or, more accurately, rediscovering) their instincts when it comes to birth. Hopefully my experience will encourage someone to take that leap.